There comes a time in every journalist’s life when it’s time for them to hang up the typewriter. When all the clandestine meetings in underground parking lots, late nights spent in front of a microfiche, and scanning a thesaurus for variations of the word investigated, just becomes another day at the office. It loses that Je ne sais quoi. All journalists, yes, even me, have a shelf life and I’ve decided to go out when I’m on top as opposed to fading into oblivion like most. So I’m passing on A Modest Opinion to a very good writer, and even better friend of mine, Mr. Greg Orwen (Greg treat her well friend, she’s been good to me).

—

Thank-you Nathaniel, it is an honour to be the one chosen to take over A Modest Opinion, though, I’m a little worried I have some big shoes to fill. But don’t worry, I feel your legacy is safe in my hands. And though it might not be exactly what you’ve come to love about A Modest Opinion, I hope that I will be able to enlighten and educate everyone on the state of the world, while entertaining at the same time. So on to the news.

Obviously the biggest thing going on in the world right now is the massive earthquake that hit Haiti, causing widespread destruction and a death toll numbering in the 200,000’s. It’s a terrible reminder that Mother Earth controls us, and not the other way around. But In the midst of all this chaos there is a glimmer of hope – a world coming together to help. Which is an amazing event to witness, and evidence that humans, by nature, aren’t necessarily evil. That maybe, just maybe, we are justified in believing that we deserve this world we’ve been given.

—

[Former Journalist’s Note: I take it back, I’m not ready for this.] [Editor’s Note: Natty, you graciously gave up your article – you can’t just come back because you miss the spotlight.] [Former Journalist’s Note: I feel that Greg, though a good friend, isn’t drawing enough of an audience with this new direction he is taking my column.] [Editors Note: Well, we actually haven’t even printed his article yet, so he really hasn’t had a chance to draw an audience in.] [Former Journalist’s Note: Right, but I bring an already loyal, and massive following with me.] [Editor’s Note: Alright, what if we were to give you a new article on page three, pushing Greg’s A Modest Opinion to the fourth Page?] [Former Journalist’s Note: That seems like a fair trade off, but can I take back the name A Modest Opinion?] [Current Journalist’s Note: Don’t I have any say in this whole thing?] [Former Journalist’s Note: Just be grateful that I’m allowing you to take over the most successful article currently running.] [Editor’s Note: Natty, this isn’t the most successful article.] [Current Journalist Note: I would appreciate it, if say, you weren’t coming back and therefore now competing with me.] [Editor’s Note: Greg, Natty won’t be competing with you, we are all a team over here.] [Current Journalist’s Note: I just feel like I am being muscled out by a guy who has realized that by leaving the spotlight he is easily forgotten.] [Former Journalist’s Note: Hey, I have a tonne of options.] [Editor’s note: I’m sorry Greg, but I have to do what pleases the advertisers.] [Current Journalist’s Note: Well, I refuse to move my article to the fourth page.] [Editor’s Note: Well, I’m sorry, but that’s really the only option we have.] [Former Journalist’s Note: I guess you better just take a hike buddy.] [Current Journalists Note: Can I at least finish my article?] [Former Journalist’s Note: Nope.]

Well, I’m back! And in closing, the situation in Haiti is just terrible, horribly, horribly, terrible (and I’m sorry Greg ruined your day by writing about it).

—

originally run in The Flying Shingle (02/01/2010)

I’ve never killed a man.

I don’t know why I felt the need to lead with that, I guess I’m just trying to state my moral standing.  I mean a guy who’s never killed someone is a pretty good guy right?  Well, I guess, if we are being honest, most people haven’t killed anyone.  Therefore stating that I have never killed a man doesn’t really give me any moral superiority than others.  Except over those who have in fact killed a man.

I’m a pretty average guy.

I drink out of mason jars and an accumulation of free cups that I’ve gotten with various types of beers I buy.  If a company is offering a free cup with the purchase of a pack of beer, I will usually buy that beer.  A free glass is a free glass.  The bowls in my cabinet were bought for me by an ex-girlfriend, before that I didn’t own bowls.  How did I eat cereal, or I guess other foods that go in a bowl, before that lovely girl bought me some bowls.  I honestly don’t remember, but I’m sure I worked around it.  Though my life was probably far more inconvenient before she bought me those bowls.  I probably should have thanked her more for buying me those bowls.  Thank you.

In an attempt to prove what I’ve always suspected, that the Canadian government doesn’t really do anything, Stephen Harper has, in what will soon be coined “pulling a Harper”, prorogued Parliament again, pushing the original Jan. 25 start date to March 3. So as we are all forced to recover from a booze and nicotine fueled holiday (my therapist keeps insisting that this isn’t the way most people celebrate the holidays. She may be right, though I honestly can’t remember) and head back to work, our elected officials will be sleeping in and enjoying repeated viewings of Avatar 3D without having to wait in line (though they won’t all receive the same personal screening, in a Secret Service cleared and guarded theatre, that President Obama and his family were treated to in Hawaii recently).

Now we could take this all at face value, looking at the simple explanations for the whole thing. Sure we could listen to what the officials say, and just believe that Harper needs time to focus on the new Economic plan, or we could listen to the opposition partys’ belief that Harper is trying to avoid an investigation into the torture of a group of Afghani detainees, or even simply that Harper’s just trying to prove that the Conservatives can’t be pushed around this year. All those seem like very obvious reasons for the pulling of a Harper, and those are the reasons that most other journalists will jump at, because it doesn’t take any hard investigation.

Luckily for you I learned journalism on the streets, and on the streets if something seems too good to be true it usually is. So I spent a little time digging and, after ruling out that this has something to do with Harper needing to go to the robot factory for maintenance, I’ve gotten to the bottom of it all. Harper simply wants to attend the Olympics (that or compete in the Olympics, though the mandatory physical will cause some problems, Harper being a Robot and all), without having to worry about running Canada. And there you go, the real reason revealed.

So, good try guys, but you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to pull a quick one on me. (Ha! political reasons for why we’re postponing parliament, good one guys.)

Sure, we could have all fallen for the idea that Harper wants to use these two months to make sure his appointing of five new Conservative party senators (a policy that Harper has planned to reform, opting for elected senators, but will take advantage of while he can) goes off without a hitch. Of course we could have fallen for that, and you would have, if I wasn’t so savvy. No, the logical explanation here is that Harper wants to try and prove that he is not a robot by attending the Olympics and catching some curling matches, figure skating competitions, and a little Cross-country Skiing (Because, as we all know, the only thing Robots really like doing is the work of fifty humans).

This is a once in a lifetime chance for Harper; the odds that the Olympics will come back to Canada while Harper is still able to get Prime Minister treatment are one in a billion (actually, taking into consideration how little Canadians like change, I’ll make that one in a million). So give the guy a break. In fact I think the Opposition should be thanking Harper, at least now they have two months where they don’t have to pretend to be busy (whereas my boss keeps yelling at me because I’m slurring my words).

–

Originally run in The Flying Shingle (01/18/2010)

Unless you are colour blind, or don’t know what colours are, (if that’s the case Webster’s English Dictionary describes colours as: the quality of an object or substance with respect to light reflected by the object, usually determined visually by measurement of hue, saturation, and brightness of the reflected light; saturation or chroma; hue.) you will quickly realize that my article is being presented in a rainbow of colours (It will be settling into its normal burgundy in my next run).

This is because big things are taking place over here at the Shingle, and obviously I won’t take full credit, because sometimes in life a very popular, clever, funny writer starts writing a monthly (now bi-weekly) article for a small island newspaper, and just out of happen-stance advertisers are drawn towards said newspaper and the two things aren’t connected. It’s simply one of those strange coincidences people can’t explain (like how my ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, and then, coincidentally, a week later was dating some new guy).

But enough about hypothetical situations, it’s now time for my first annual Year in Preview: Predictions Column. Just to get it out there in the open, no I did not receive any sort of psychic abilities for Christmas (even though that and a time machine were the only things I asked for. Though I admit the entire first season of Alf is a surprising, if not delightful, close third), however I did buy a copy of Nostradamus’ The Prophecies, Illustrated Edition. Breaking my own rule of not reading books published before 1994 (and more specifically books about real things), I was able to use my supreme skills as an investigative journalist to interpret Nostradamus’ predictions.

In the realm of World Politics, Obama, after convincing everyone that sending another 30,000 troops to Afghanistan is part of some sort of larger exit strategy, will realize that he can get away with anything based solely on the fact that he is not President Bush. Subsequently he will declare that two plus two now equals five, and that the government will be separated into four factions the Ministries of Peace, Plenty, Truth, and Love. Also his, un-released, New York Times best selling Presidential Memoir (title “Why I won The Nobel Peace Prize: and other musings on my two terms as President”) will be awarded the Noble Prize in Literature.

Canadian politics will continue to bore most everyone.

Hollywood, having run out of original ideas years ago, will finally have remade every movie with production beginning on a remake of the 12-minute, 1903 film The Great Train Robbery (Spike Jonze will direct, it will be three hours and have two intermissions).

With the ever growing evidence that Global Warming is not real (thus why I’m freezing all the time), there will be a worldwide investigation into the practices of all scientific fields everywhere. Consequently, it will be revealed that Science is, in fact, just a bunch of guys sitting around in a room saying, “Hmmm, I mean that could be the way it happens. You know what, sure, why not?” Which had me worried about the moon base, until I realized building a base on the moon has more to do with Architecture and not Science.

The Lizard Men will still not reveal themselves for another two years.

And in a final, more personal, prediction my ex-girlfriend, realizing what a foolish mistake she made dumping me, will come crawling back (reeking of desperation). She will, however, be too late as Natalie Portman and I will have started dating. She will be devastated, but will find solace in the fact that Natalie and I are truly in love (Natalie please call me ***-***-**** [Editors Note: Number removed for obvious reasons]).

There you have it folks, every important thing that will happen in 2010. If you ask me, you won’t need to read a single newspaper for the whole year (I read the book cover to cover, there is nothing else happening in 2010. Seriously. I promise).

Oh, and the Olympics.

—

Originally run in The Flying Shingle (01/04/2010)

In no particular order…

Up

Inglorious Basterds

Star Trek

District 9

Zombie Land

Funny People

I Love You, Man

(500) Days of Summer

Drag Me To Hell

The Hangover

This is keeping in mind that I have yet to see Avatar, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Sherlock Holmes, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, and Boondock Saints II — Which one if not more of those would probably fall on the list.