I’ve been feeling a little confused for some time now. First they tell me that the polar ice caps are melting (which got me all excited because I’d finally get to live in a beach-front home), and then they go and tell me that scientists just made the whole thing up (if I remember my own reporting correctly, as an excuse to beat people up). I just didn’t know what to believe. But, thankfully, the United Nations (the only organization who knows as much about the world as I do) decided to hold a conference on climate change in Copenhagen, Denmark, at which it was decided I still need to worry about floating away (but this must mean the planned 2020 moon base is still on).

However, our fine Prime Minister (who apparently believes everything he reads on the internet, even vaguely worded e-mails) had wanted nothing to do with a conference on climate change, and therefore was all geared up to not attend. That was until he was thrown for a loop when Obama (who unlike his predecessor, Bush, has seen a map and knows where Copenhagen is) decided to make an appearance at the conference himself. So Harps, who evidently has to do everything Obama does, was forced to attend the conference and try to pretend he wasn’t completely bored (I suggested a pair of those glasses that have open eyes painted on them, they work magic).

Luckily the Conservative government has its own, very firm, stance on global warming; they do whatever the US wants done. Which was working out pretty good for them while Bush was in power, because cowboys like Harps and Bush share a common disinterest in anything to do with global warming (but share a common interest in wearing outfits completely made of denim). But since Obama was elected, and realized that he has to stick to at least one of the promises made during his campaign, Harps now has to change his stance on the whole world coming to a hot, fiery, end.

Unfortunately Canada has a big problem when it comes to the whole emissions thing. You see, the main energy-producing provinces in our country happen to be Alberta and Saskatchewan, who happen to produce oil from the tar sands. Producing oil from the tar sands happens to create a whole tonne of pollution (like even more than if you were just destroying the world drilling for it). So obviously Alberta and Saskatchewan want to avoid the high reductions that are be targeted.

This would be all fine and dandy if it weren’t for two things. Thing one: Any regulations would have to pass through parliament (which contrary to what Harps thinks does have to come back into session at some point). And thing two: The Bloc, who boast Quebec’s production of clean hydro-energy, thinks that the Conservative government is selling out on their environmental policy by not holding Alberta and Saskatchewan to the same standards as the other provinces. And therefore they will try and oppose anything that doesn’t match the high standards that are being pushed for in the European Union.

So Harps is stuck between a French rock and the richest provinces in the country (and I guess a President who has to stick to a campaign promise or two). Which, unfortunately, leaves him with only one of two options. Either he spends the next couple months creating a comprehensive stance on global warming and emission reductions, which will pass through parliament, or he figures out if it is possible for him to prorogue the UN (let’s just say he’s banking on the latter). And I’m left watching Waterworld on repeat just in case we’re all just a little too late.

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Originally Run in The Flying Shingle (02/28/2010)

Alright, time for me to own up. My last article may have been a little light on the news thing, and as a real journalist I can’t stand for that (and will place most of the blame on Mr. Greg Orwen). So I’m going to put on my hard-hitting investigative journalist fedora and examine what’s really going on in the world. And boy did I pick a good week because there is a lot going on, which is a relief, because I was worried that all I would have to publish was my 100,000 word essay on what is actually going on in LOST (let’s just say that Bob Newhart wakes up and it was all a dream).

Obama has come out with his new budget, which figures in a 1.6 trillion dollar deficit, one of the biggest in American history (and a rough estimate of what I have in offshore accounts. Want proof? Sorry I can’t provide that, offshore accounts don’t let you do that). But the really worrisome aspect of this budget is not the 1.6 trillion dollar deficit, no the real worrisome thing is that Obama has now removed all the current funding to NASA’s planned mission to return man to the moon. I knew those weather scientists would ruin it for all of us. The second they proved global warming wasn’t an issue they went and destroyed my dreams of ever living on the moon.

What’s next Obama? Are you going to tell me that Santa Claus isn’t real? I thought it was “Yes We Can,” not “Yes We Can, unless what you want is to live on the moon, then No We Can’t, because we owe a bunch of people a lot of money and won’t be able to pay that off for another 20 years at least”. Doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?

In other about-time news, some of the United States top defense ministers are vying to abolish the 16 year old “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” law (which, apparently, doesn’t apply when my girlfriend wants to know why I didn’t call last night). The orders come straight from the man himself, Obama, who is a strong supporter of civil rights. And in my journalistic opinion this is great news, because I for one believe that who you love in no way affects your ability to go out and fight for your country to protect everyone’s civil rights.

In completely unrelated news, Proposition 8 is still in effect, and there are still only five states in the Union that allow same sex marriages.

And finally, Harps, who as we all know, has the utmost respect for the rules of Parliament (and will undoubtedly make this clear once parliament returns in March, after his completely necessary proroguing), could be held in contempt of Parliament. It seems Harps is withholding some uncensored documents pertaining to the handling of Afghani detainees that is currently being investigated by a Parliamentary committee. What Parliament needs to remember is that this is specifically why Harps prorogued you; he didn’t want to be bothered about this (because, you know, it’s making him look bad).

So calm down, let this whole Olympics thing finish up, then Harps will work through the new Economic Plan. Then it will be time for spring break so he’ll prorogue Parliament again (or at least move it to Cancun!), and then he’ll get around to releasing papers outlining the torture of Afghani detainees (that is unless it’s time to force another election).

Remember, we’re in Canada guys, we work at a different pace around here. Now, pass the remote, I have some Curling to PVR.

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Originally run in The Flying Shingle (02/14/2010)

There comes a time in every journalist’s life when it’s time for them to hang up the typewriter. When all the clandestine meetings in underground parking lots, late nights spent in front of a microfiche, and scanning a thesaurus for variations of the word investigated, just becomes another day at the office. It loses that Je ne sais quoi. All journalists, yes, even me, have a shelf life and I’ve decided to go out when I’m on top as opposed to fading into oblivion like most. So I’m passing on A Modest Opinion to a very good writer, and even better friend of mine, Mr. Greg Orwen (Greg treat her well friend, she’s been good to me).

—

Thank-you Nathaniel, it is an honour to be the one chosen to take over A Modest Opinion, though, I’m a little worried I have some big shoes to fill. But don’t worry, I feel your legacy is safe in my hands. And though it might not be exactly what you’ve come to love about A Modest Opinion, I hope that I will be able to enlighten and educate everyone on the state of the world, while entertaining at the same time. So on to the news.

Obviously the biggest thing going on in the world right now is the massive earthquake that hit Haiti, causing widespread destruction and a death toll numbering in the 200,000’s. It’s a terrible reminder that Mother Earth controls us, and not the other way around. But In the midst of all this chaos there is a glimmer of hope – a world coming together to help. Which is an amazing event to witness, and evidence that humans, by nature, aren’t necessarily evil. That maybe, just maybe, we are justified in believing that we deserve this world we’ve been given.

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[Former Journalist’s Note: I take it back, I’m not ready for this.] [Editor’s Note: Natty, you graciously gave up your article – you can’t just come back because you miss the spotlight.] [Former Journalist’s Note: I feel that Greg, though a good friend, isn’t drawing enough of an audience with this new direction he is taking my column.] [Editors Note: Well, we actually haven’t even printed his article yet, so he really hasn’t had a chance to draw an audience in.] [Former Journalist’s Note: Right, but I bring an already loyal, and massive following with me.] [Editor’s Note: Alright, what if we were to give you a new article on page three, pushing Greg’s A Modest Opinion to the fourth Page?] [Former Journalist’s Note: That seems like a fair trade off, but can I take back the name A Modest Opinion?] [Current Journalist’s Note: Don’t I have any say in this whole thing?] [Former Journalist’s Note: Just be grateful that I’m allowing you to take over the most successful article currently running.] [Editor’s Note: Natty, this isn’t the most successful article.] [Current Journalist Note: I would appreciate it, if say, you weren’t coming back and therefore now competing with me.] [Editor’s Note: Greg, Natty won’t be competing with you, we are all a team over here.] [Current Journalist’s Note: I just feel like I am being muscled out by a guy who has realized that by leaving the spotlight he is easily forgotten.] [Former Journalist’s Note: Hey, I have a tonne of options.] [Editor’s note: I’m sorry Greg, but I have to do what pleases the advertisers.] [Current Journalist’s Note: Well, I refuse to move my article to the fourth page.] [Editor’s Note: Well, I’m sorry, but that’s really the only option we have.] [Former Journalist’s Note: I guess you better just take a hike buddy.] [Current Journalists Note: Can I at least finish my article?] [Former Journalist’s Note: Nope.]

Well, I’m back! And in closing, the situation in Haiti is just terrible, horribly, horribly, terrible (and I’m sorry Greg ruined your day by writing about it).

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originally run in The Flying Shingle (02/01/2010)

I’m a pretty average guy.

I drink out of mason jars and an accumulation of free cups that I’ve gotten with various types of beers I buy.  If a company is offering a free cup with the purchase of a pack of beer, I will usually buy that beer.  A free glass is a free glass.  The bowls in my cabinet were bought for me by an ex-girlfriend, before that I didn’t own bowls.  How did I eat cereal, or I guess other foods that go in a bowl, before that lovely girl bought me some bowls.  I honestly don’t remember, but I’m sure I worked around it.  Though my life was probably far more inconvenient before she bought me those bowls.  I probably should have thanked her more for buying me those bowls.  Thank you.

In an attempt to prove what I’ve always suspected, that the Canadian government doesn’t really do anything, Stephen Harper has, in what will soon be coined “pulling a Harper”, prorogued Parliament again, pushing the original Jan. 25 start date to March 3. So as we are all forced to recover from a booze and nicotine fueled holiday (my therapist keeps insisting that this isn’t the way most people celebrate the holidays. She may be right, though I honestly can’t remember) and head back to work, our elected officials will be sleeping in and enjoying repeated viewings of Avatar 3D without having to wait in line (though they won’t all receive the same personal screening, in a Secret Service cleared and guarded theatre, that President Obama and his family were treated to in Hawaii recently).

Now we could take this all at face value, looking at the simple explanations for the whole thing. Sure we could listen to what the officials say, and just believe that Harper needs time to focus on the new Economic plan, or we could listen to the opposition partys’ belief that Harper is trying to avoid an investigation into the torture of a group of Afghani detainees, or even simply that Harper’s just trying to prove that the Conservatives can’t be pushed around this year. All those seem like very obvious reasons for the pulling of a Harper, and those are the reasons that most other journalists will jump at, because it doesn’t take any hard investigation.

Luckily for you I learned journalism on the streets, and on the streets if something seems too good to be true it usually is. So I spent a little time digging and, after ruling out that this has something to do with Harper needing to go to the robot factory for maintenance, I’ve gotten to the bottom of it all. Harper simply wants to attend the Olympics (that or compete in the Olympics, though the mandatory physical will cause some problems, Harper being a Robot and all), without having to worry about running Canada. And there you go, the real reason revealed.

So, good try guys, but you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to pull a quick one on me. (Ha! political reasons for why we’re postponing parliament, good one guys.)

Sure, we could have all fallen for the idea that Harper wants to use these two months to make sure his appointing of five new Conservative party senators (a policy that Harper has planned to reform, opting for elected senators, but will take advantage of while he can) goes off without a hitch. Of course we could have fallen for that, and you would have, if I wasn’t so savvy. No, the logical explanation here is that Harper wants to try and prove that he is not a robot by attending the Olympics and catching some curling matches, figure skating competitions, and a little Cross-country Skiing (Because, as we all know, the only thing Robots really like doing is the work of fifty humans).

This is a once in a lifetime chance for Harper; the odds that the Olympics will come back to Canada while Harper is still able to get Prime Minister treatment are one in a billion (actually, taking into consideration how little Canadians like change, I’ll make that one in a million). So give the guy a break. In fact I think the Opposition should be thanking Harper, at least now they have two months where they don’t have to pretend to be busy (whereas my boss keeps yelling at me because I’m slurring my words).

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Originally run in The Flying Shingle (01/18/2010)