As one or two of you know, Stephen “Harps” Harper and his Harps Government have had a death-grip … ‘err… majority rule of Canada for the past four months.  And boy has it been a living-breathing-probably-mostly-robotic-only-with-perhaps-a-living-heart-but-doctors-haven’t-confirmed-that-yet hell.  But here’s the kicker, the Harps Government hasn’t really done anything yet with all this power it has.  Nope, we’ve been living in something that I like to call the “Parliamentary Limbo,” which occurs, well, more often than it should in Canada.

But get ready, because with the start of the 41st session of Parliament about to begin, we are going to see some real craziness – Harps style (so, relatively monotone craziness, but craziness nonetheless).

What craziness? Well, I’m glad you asked.  Remember that long-rifle registration law that you’re so angry about? The one you hate because you never know if you’re going to want to kill a person with your hunting rifle, but if it’s registered to you that makes it a lot harder to kill someone with it, so now you’re stuck with that annoying neighbour who just won’t stop mowing his lawn at 7 am on a Sunday morning after you’ve been out drinking all night and just have a killer fricking hangover, and you just want them to shut up? Shut up Tom.  SHUT UP TOM!  Yeah, you remember that law?  Well, that law’s outta there!  That’s right, Harps is hitting it, BAM, right out of the park!  Free hunting rifles for everyone!  (Editor’s Note:  There is no “Free Rifles for Everyone” program offered by the Harper Government.)  (Journalist’s Note:  Not yet, there isn’t.  But there will be.  Pew pew pew pew!)

But that’s not the only piece of legislation that Harps is going to use his majority government to pass, and I figured I’d recap a couple of Harps’ failed bills that will now be actual laws that none of you will like (because apparently none of you voted for Harps, but somehow he still won a majority – figure that one out).

First off Harps wants to get rid of the Canadian Wheat Board, which, if we’re being honest, I have no idea what it does.  I can only assume something to do with wheat (thank you investigative reporting skills), but it doesn’t matter, because he’s going to do it anyway, so I might as well not learn what it does.  Goodbye Canadian Wheat Board, I’m sure someone is going to miss you (wheat farmers, perhaps? I really have no idea)!

Also, political parties that aren’t the Conservatives or the soon to be combined NDP/Liberal party, which I will call the Non-Conservative Party of Canada Party … you can say goodbye to those guys as well.  Since he was a baby, Harps has had his heart set on removing all government funding for political parties.  And without funding that’ll mean the death of all other political parties, because, as an example, anyone who would be willing to support the Green Party financially has probably spent all their money on marijuana.

Furthermore, Harps is going to pass his ‘super crimes’ bill.  Which apparently is not a bill that will implement laws aimed at controlling superheroes, but instead a law that gives the police more power (also, apparently, having nothing to do with giving cops superpowers).

And that’s just the start of it all.  Trust me.  Harps isn’t going to stop until every last bill he’s previously presented, that was not passed, is passed into actual law.  And that, my friends, is when the real hell will begin.

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Originally run in The Flying Shingle (09/26/2011)

As some of you may or may not know, Stephen Harper and his party of cowboys … er … Conservatives, really want to know what you do on the Internet.  And I’m talking about everything.  If Harps gets it his way then every time you check your Facebook, or your Twitter, or your email, or those sites we check late at night when we think no one is watching [Editor’s Note:  Be careful Natty, this is a family newspaper.]  [Journalist’s Note:  I’m just talking about the Saved By The Bell Wikipedia page … my obsession with Saved By The Bell is embarrassing.  What are you talking about?] [Editor’s Note:  Uh … that thing … carry on.].  Every time we check anything at all, the government’s going to know about it.

Now, you know how anytime Facebook changes their privacy policy, everyone on Facebook gets their panties in a bunch, because now all this information, that they all actively, and happily, put up on the Internet for everyone to see, will be seen by everyone?  Well, this whole government monitoring thing is exactly like that, only it’s a real problem, and not a stupid person’s problem.  (I’m not insinuating that all people who use Facebook are stupid … I’m just insinuating that if you’re complaining about a site that you voluntarily put your personal information on giving your personal information away, perhaps you’re kind of an idiot.)

I’m going to use a metaphor here, so just try and keep up with me.  Let’s say we were talking about the postal service instead of the Internet.  What these Facebook people are complaining about is that the workers at the post office are reading the little note that you wrote someone on the back of a postcard, which we all assume happens anyway.  What the Harper government is proposing is that they should be allowed to read what you sent in that sealed envelope … and also see whatever discreet photos you may have sent along with it.  [Editor’s Note:  Watch it Natty!]  [Journalist’s Note:  I’m just talking about a picture of me dressed as a bunny-rabbit …]  [Editor’s Note:  Oh … okay.  That sounds kind of sweet actually.]  [Journalist’s Note:  … that I sent to my girlfriend … who happens to be into furries.]  Harps doesn’t just want to read your, “wish you were heres”, he wants to read the letter you write home about how you got travellers’ diarrhoea.  He also wants to know when you sent it, and how long it took you to write it.

Listen, I’m all for stopping bad guys.  I don’t like bad guys.  No one likes bad guys.  (I mean, who cheers for Darth Vader?  That’s right, no one does.  In fact, no one would ever want to watch a movie – or for that matter, three movies – that are about Darth Vader – even if they were about before he became Darth Vader.  He’s a bad guy, and bad guys suck.)  But I don’t think pre-emptively assuming everyone is a bad guy, and monitoring his or her every move is a good direction to go in. What it leads to is a government that perhaps has a little too much control over their population – bad guys and good.

And who knows, first they want to know what websites you’re visiting, next thing you know they’re telling you what websites you can and can’t go to. And at that point they’re not protecting anyone, they’re just controlling people.

(In the name of full disclosure, while writing this article, I checked my email three times, went to the Wikipedia page for furries (and Saved By The Bell), looked at a few Tumblr blogs of people I don’t know, and then watched some porn.  Happy Harps?)

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Originally run in The Flying Shingle (09/12/11)

I’d like to dedicate this article to the memory of Jack Layton. Rest in peace, sir. Canadians owe you a great amount of gratitude and thanks; you changed this country.  My thoughts are with your family, friends, and our country. You made the moustache cool again. Thank you.

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Right now, America is, politically, the most polarised it’s ever been in the entire history of the country (fine, it might be a bit less polarised than that one time they fought that civil war; but they’re not far off).  And if I’m going to blame anyone, I’m going to blame the Republicans.

Now, I might be blaming the Republicans because I have a long-standing Liberal bias (and a bit of a man-crush on Obama – he’s just so dreamy), or maybe it’s because I’ve done some hard-hitting investigative research and figured out what the Republicans are up to.

They’re ruining America in hopes of ruining Obama’s chances of being elected. Which seems like a good plan, but here’s why it’s not.

If you get the job, your guy is going to have to clean up that mess anyway. You guys do realise that, right?

Like, this whole debt crisis thing isn’t just going to go away because you come into power; that sort of thing just doesn’t go away overnight (just ask Obama, he knows). In fact, I can only assume, under your control, that the debt will increase. Wars and not taxing the rich cost a lot of money.

However, lucky for you, you probably won’t have a douchey opposition in the house, dragging their heels and making sure that everything you try to pass takes as long as humanly possible (or, just long enough to nearly ruin your country). This is mainly because that douchey party is you, and you’ll be in power and probably still control the house.

But you’ll still have a polarised country, two (or more) wars that you can’t afford, and an economy that is teetering on the edge of collapse. And it will be a lot of work to fix all that stuff.

But I’ve come up with a solution for you guys.

Don’t win the election. Just don’t do it. In fact, don’t even run.

Listen, being president is hard; look at what it’s done to Obama. That dude used to be so young and vibrant, and now he’s aged like a trillion years in the last three (maybe he can use all that birthday money to pay off the debt; Obama, you just keep winning).

You Republicans don’t want to do hard work. In fact you seemingly don’t want to do any work; you’ve proven that over the last three years. So just stay in the house (or, in some cases, shooting your television series about Alaska), and continue doing very little work. Leave all that hard, stressful work to the Democrats – they love that stuff.

And really, you’ll make more money not being president than you would being president. Being a failed presidential candidate (or, vice presidential candidate turned reality star and FOX news correspondent) is far more profitable than actually being the president (you know he only makes $400,000 a year, I make more than that in interest). And, as you’re all aware, the rich aren’t going to be taxed anytime soon. The more money you have, the better off you’ll be.

So, now that I’ve convinced you guys that running for president is a terrible idea, and you’ll be better off not being president, you can ease up on Obama and let the guy actually do his job; maybe you’ll even think about what’s best for your country, instead of your bank accounts.

Or you guys can keep being douches and ruining your country.

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Originally run in The Flying Shingle (08/29/11)