Daily Monotony – Crank That – Souja Boy Cover

28 July 2010 - Filed under Daily Monotony

And this is what happens when you’re bored…

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A Modest Opinion – You Can’t Silence Me, Black Press!

21 July 2010 - Filed under A Modest Opinion

BC publisher, Black Press, which recently purchased 11 community newspapers, will be shutting down four of the purchased papers (obviously realizing they, stupidly, bought 11 of the same thing). Black Press CEO Rick O’Connor admits this will result in the loss of up to 40 jobs. (Wait, it takes 10 people to run a newspaper? But I’ve been singlehandedly floating this one since I started.)

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be surprised but, when a company called Black Press buys you, you should probably see something like this coming. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that all things black are bad; I’m just trying to say that all things bad are usually called black. The Black Plague; Black Friday; Black Tuesday (I think there’s a black every day of the week); blackened jerk chicken; Conrad Black (Black’s his last name, but if he was in a database it would be Black, Conrad). And don’t even get me started about the Black-Eyed Peas.

With Black Press seemingly interested in buying, and then selling off, fledging local papers, it seems that I may be fighting for my job soon. Therefore, at the suggestion of my agent (please contact Larry Schweinstein at Larry Schweinstein Talent & Delicatessen), I will now state my many qualifications and achievements that make me one of the most distinguished investigative journalists in the country (if not the universe).

As I discussed in my last article, Viva La Revolution, along with being a top-notch writer, I am also an expert in quite a few fields. Some of which are: living on the moon; the similarities between Obama and the Antichrist; the 55th decimal of pi (however none before it and only three after it); beating Super Mario 3 in eight minutes; and making sure newspapers are engaging and informative. However, what sets me apart from every other expert is I’m also a quick learn. Give me one day, access to a library with access to Wikipedia, and three cups of coffee, you’ve got yourself an expert on any topic you need.

Being that I am one of the highest regarded journalists in the field right now (Schweinstein swears I’m in the running to replace Larry King, but that Ryan Seacrest is just so good at investigative reporting), I’ve received quite a few awards. As I’m sure most of you will remember, I was the winner of the inaugural Stevie B. Seal of Approval. (For which I have yet to receive my statue. I’d never drop the ball like that – just saying.) That being, obviously, just the last in a long list of awards that includes my Peabody; a Nobel Prize in Literature; a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award; and second place in a beauty pageant (for which I received $10). Someone who has won this many awards doesn’t stop winning awards, that’s just science (I should know, what with placing first in my eighth grade science fair).

But all those things, they’re just things. Prizes, awards, high paying syndicated talk show hosting jobs; anyone can claim those. What I’ve got that sets me apart from the crowd is a passion for, and only for, quality journalism. Late nights in front of the microfiche, no-holds-barred investigative journalism – and using my press pass to watch free movies. That’s the stuff that keeps me going, and I won’t quit until I die (preferably in an epic shoot-out with an un-named source that was helping me break a story about corruption within Moon Base Living, Inc.).

So, Black Press, go ahead and buy the Flying Shingle, shut it down if you’d like, throw everyone out on their asses; I don’t care. That won’t silence me, because I am literally willing to write for any of your over 100 publications – you know my qualifications.

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Originally run in The Flying Shingle (07/19/2010)

 ::  Share or discuss  ::  2010-07-21  ::  admin

Rejected Writing (sort of) – Wipe Out Canada Application

19 July 2010 - Filed under Rejected Writing

I recently applied to appear as a contestant on Wipe Out Canada — I was, to their fault, not accepted… below are some of my answers on their application form.

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What is the next big mile stone in your life?
The obvious answer to this question is appearing on Wipeout Canada. Appearing on Wipeout Canada will obviously catapult me into my long dreamed of career of having my own reality TV series and getting free t-shirts.

How are you competitive in your every day life?
I like to make everything in life a game. Like, say, when I wake up and I make my eggs. If one day it takes me 7 minutes to cook my eggs, the next day I try to do it in 6.5 minutes. Or, say, if my roommate and his girlfriend do it for 2 hours straight — well, I’m gonna do it with some chick for 3 hours. It’s just the person I am, that is, better than everyone.

What would your friends say are your best qualities?
I’d say that my friends think my best quality is the fact that I’m a winner, and when you hangout with a winner you too become a winner. It’s just science right there. I encourage these guys to become winners. As this testimonial proves “I used to eat garbage and take the Smack in my veins until Nathaniel Moher dropped something in my begging hat. It wasn’t change, it wasn’t food, it was the winning spirit.” – James Cochrane

What would your friends say are your worst qualities?
I think my friends would say my worst quality is that when we go out, all the ladies want to know me. I could be the worlds greatest wing-man, but I just don’t know it, because even when I’m just trying to get my buddies laid the ladies just want me… even when I haven’t shaved for a week.

What is your unique and personal motivation for wanting to compete on the show?
I was recently dumped by the love of my life because, she said, “Natty, you have no motivation in life — all you do is sit on the couch…” So when I heard about Wipeout Canada I thought, “what better way to prove to my stupid ex-girlfriend that she made the worst decision of her life — because I’m a winner, want proof? Oh, right, I just won WIPEOUT CANADA.” That and, as stated before, catapulting myself to my own Reality TV show.

If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?
Let’s get serious about this right now. I’m sure that the majority of the answers you’re going to get are “flight” or “invisibility,” which is, honestly, stupid. Let’s think about guys like Professor X and Jean Grey, who have telekinetic powers. Which telekinetic powers strong enough, you can pretty much do anything. Want to fly, done, you use your telekinetic powers to lift yourself off the ground. Want to be invisible, done, you enter everyone’s mind and make them incapable of seeing you. Want to stop a giant thing from falling out you? Done, stop it with you mind.

Who is your greatest hero?
Titan, or Mike O’Hearn, who if you don’t know is only the greatest American Gladiator of all time. This is his Bio –

How can you not idolize someone like that… you just can’t not.

Why should Canadians cheer for you?
Because I have godlike strength and skill, I am the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with my impressive physique, I am equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. I am a double threat who will find a way to win… one way or another.

What would be the worst, most embarrassing and humiliating thing that could happen to you on Wipeout Canada? Visualize it – now tell us the story.
So there I am, wearing my Russian dancing bear wearing a tutu costume, and I’m effortlessly running across the course, It’s almost seems like I am gliding across the course actually. Then what happens? You guessed it, a light falls from the sky hitting me in the head. But that’s not the worst part, no, a spark catches my Russian dancing bear wearing a tutu costume on fire. So now I’m on fire, effortlessly gliding across the course. Not getting punched in the face, not falling in the mud, still on fire. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking all this sounds pretty awesome, which it is, but then I make it to the end, and I place second… how could I place second? I am a winner. If I placed second I don’t think I could ever leave Argentina, because I would be so embarrassed.

What qualities will the winner of Wipeout Canada possess?
Endurance. Sweet Jumping Skills. Perhaps the ability to fly. An amazing beard. Perhaps a Russian Dancing Bear wearing a tutu costume. The desire to have his own reality TV show. The name Nathaniel Moher.

 ::  Share or discuss  ::  2010-07-19  ::  admin

Rejected Writing – Dear Everyone on the Internets

15 July 2010 - Filed under Rejected Writing

Dear Everyone on the Internets,

I’m sorry (I’m not actually sorry), but I don’t care about your lives.  I just honestly don’t care what your boyfriend just did to you, or the fact that you don’t have a boyfriend (which is even less interesting than what your boyfriend just did to you).  I don’t care that you are studying to become some sort of nurse (you all are, I don’t get it, but you all are).  And I don’t care how in love with Allan Rickman you are (or, for that matter, Harry Potter or that dude from Twilight).  I really just don’t care.

Listen — and I’m not trying to be mean or anything — it’s just that my girlfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately, and really about the stupidest stuff.  See, we’ve been dating for six months now. The lease on her place is about up and she thinks we should move in together.  Now some of you may agree with her; I, however, think that six months is a little too quick to be moving in with your girlfriend.  Don’t get me wrong — of course I love her, but, really, am I right or am I right? (I’m right.) So, you see, this has been a point of contention between the two of us for the last little while now, and having real life problems just makes it really hard for me to care about your Internet problems.

Beyond that, I’m probably more interesting and exciting than you are.  Look, I’m not trying to sound conceited or anything, but I really am just more interesting and exciting than you.  It’s a fact.  Truly, I am the sort of person who, if I posted my life on the Internet (which, as you already know, I’m against doing). people would want to read about it, if only because of all the really interesting and exciting things I do.  For instance, the other day a couple friends and I went out for some drinks.  Now, whereas most people’s nights probably would have ended there, just drinks and then going home, our night took an amazing and interesting turn.  When we went back out to my car, it had been towed.  What were we going to do? — I need my car and now it’s not there.  Well we spent the next fifteen minutes searching until we found a sign that had the number of the impound lot.  All four of us hopped into a cab and went over to the impound lot.  Once there, I had to pay forty-five dollars to get my car out of impound; on top of the thirty-dollar taxi ride, that’s seventy-five dollars total.  And to add insult to injury, all the change was gone from my ashtray.  These sorts of things happen to me all the time.  So please forgive me if I’m just a little too busy living my life to care about what canceled TV show you’re going to marathon this weekend.

And furthermore, that picture’s not yours.  I get it, you really like that picture and maybe it communicates a point you want to make, but it’s not your picture.  Express yourself, not someone else.   As Oscar Wilde said, “A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament.”  And of course we can’t forget the words of William Morris: “Art is man’s expression of his joy in labor.”  Sure, sometimes it seems easier to get your point across by using someone else’s work, but take the time and make it your own and you’ll truly be expressing how you feel – not how someone else feels.

So, as you can see, Everyone on the Internets, I’m just too busy living an exciting and interesting life to really care about what you have to whine about. And if you’re interested in finding out more about my real life, you can head over to nathanielmoher.com where I post frequent updates, as well as follow me on twitter at twitter.com/godmoher.

Now if you’ll excuse me my girlfriend is yelling at me again. FML.

 ::  Share or discuss  ::  2010-07-15  ::  admin

A Modest Opinion – Viva La Revolution

7 July 2010 - Filed under A Modest Opinion

As I’m sure most of you have come to realize there are quite a few things that I am an expert on. These include, but are not limited to: superheroes; global warming; living on the Moon; the HST; and how to say, “where’s the washroom” in almost every language. (Seriously, who really knows how to speak ancient Mayan besides Mel Gibson?) However, one thing you may not know I’m an expert in is revolution (I’ve seen Les Mis at least three times). So, with the recent wave of protest taking place in Toronto because of the G20, I feel it is my responsibility to shed a little light on what makes a successful revolution.

Now, most people will, wrongly, assume that the first step in organizing a revolution is to decide what exactly it is you’d like to revolutionize. But let’s be honest, most of the cool stuff to protest against was protested against ages ago (I blame it all on the ‘60s). Nope, the first step in any good revolution is deciding what sort of mask you’re going to wear.

There are a lot of different mask choices to wade through, you’ve got your bandanas worn cowboy style, the classic balaclava, you could go with just a superhero eye cover, or even that mask from V for Vendetta (though the V for Vendetta mask is usually worn by people protesting Scientology, so you have to be careful when choosing that one). I know what you’re thinking … most of the cool old school revolutionaries didn’t wear a mask, but that’s just because they actually had causes to stand behind and weren’t just looking for an excuse to kick in the window of a Starbucks.

Step two to a successful revolution is figuring out just the right mix for your Molotov cocktail. This is quite important because you want to make sure that it’s strong enough to start a cop car on fire, but not so strong that it will actually blow up the cop car. Because if there’s one thing that is going to get your point across it’s the image of a cop car burning. Nothing changes the world faster than just starting a bunch of cop cars on fire. Absolutely nothing. Furthermore you need to make sure there’s enough accelerant that the cop cars quickly burst into flames, but enough fuel that it keeps burning long enough for the news crews to show up. Trust me, there’s nothing quite as embarrassing as standing next to a burnt out cop car in a superhero mask.

Look I’m not a strong advocate of violence when it comes to revolution, but as Martin Luther King Jr. proved, peaceful protest just doesn’t work. (It inevitably leads to you getting assassinated.) And as Bloody Sunday proved, the cops are just going to beat you up anyway, so you might as well go in fighting. So you’re going to want to train in some sort of hand-to-hand combat. You may also want to practice being beat up by a police baton, ‘cause cops love to carry those things.

The last step to a revolution is to make sure you don’t get caught. Whereas most ignorant people would believe that the strongest way to get your point across is to become a martyr for your cause, actually it is literally impossible to organize a revolution from behind bars (plus, you’ll probably have to return to your data processing job on Monday – revolution doesn’t pay the bills like it use to).

So there you have it, I guarantee that if you follow these steps you will have the most successful revolution in recorded history. Kids will even start wearing shirts with your face on them, regardless of whether they know what you were fighting for or not.

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Originally run in The Flying Shingle (05/07/2010)

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