2006 Academy Award winners, and badass gangsters, Three Six Mafia couldn’t have put it any better, “It’s hard out here for a pimp”, and now everyone in the BC arts community is starting to feel it. Ever since Gordo announced the Liberals 2010 budget revealing their plans to cut over 50 per cent of the funding to the arts in BC, the proverbial crap has been hitting the proverbial fan, with the most recent wad of crap being the resignation of BC Arts Council Chair Jane Danzo.
Now in the name of full disclosure I feel like I should state that I am in no way a communist, I have never been and never will be, nor am I a communist sympathizer, (no matter how much they try to convince me that the House Committee on Un-American Activities doesn’t exist anymore, I’m still not convinced that the Hollywood Blacklist is gone), but, as I’ve stated before, I like impressing girls by saying I go to the theatre and stuff. Apparently telling girls I went to Ballet Victoria sounds a bit better than admitting I spent last night watching a ‘16 and Pregnant’ marathon. (Turns out they don’t have birth control in America.) But since Ballet Victoria has just lost 100 per cent of its government funding, it looks like I’m going to have to find a new way to impress girls.
However, after realizing that I would probably have to join a gym and actually get into shape, because girls aren’t impressed by one’s vast knowledge of the intricate details of the planned 2020 Moon Base, I’ve decided I will, instead, make my case for why Gordo should reinstate the Arts funding.
Really, Gordo, you’re just making it hard to believe anyone will actually want to re-elect you. (Even with BC’s history of inaction.) First of all you piss off most of the province by coming up with that genius HST idea, and then you follow that up with going off and pissing on the remaining half by cutting all the BC Arts funding.
Now, there’s a lot of things I am not (including, but not limited to, a doctor, a mathematician, a scientist, and a communist), but if there’s one thing I am it’s an expert political strategist, and I can tell you that people usually only vote for the candidates who do the things that make them happy (or, as the case is in Canada, for the candidate who just happens to not be the candidate they hate). Listen Gordo, Saskatchewan now has more arts funding per capita than BC does, no-one’s going to vote for the guy who makes us look worse than Saskatchewan. Trust me.
And then, in what seems like an attempt to prove you really know nothing about the arts, you created the $3 million 2010 Sports and Arts Legacy Fund. Now, Gordo, I don’t know if you really know any artsy people, but they were those kids in school who always got picked last in gym class. (And, subsequently, out first in dodge ball.) So combining Sports and Arts is kind of like me not replacing Larry King when he retires, it just doesn’t make any sense. I get it though, you’re hoping to reignite the excitement that was felt during the Olympics, but there’s really only so much excitement that Lover Boy performing in Abbotsford can incite.
Come on Gordo, I know you don’t like the news and you obviously don’t really like the arts, but I can assume you like being employed, so just heed my advice. And, remember, when the NDP got voted out all they did was make a couple of boats.
In what would have been the smartest career decision I’d have ever made, (shadowed only by my planned campaign to be Supreme leader of the planned 2020 Moon colony) I, apparently, could have purchased Newsweek for one dollar. Instead, however, while I was trying to figure out if after the conversion it was really worth it, Sydney Harman, who is better known for selling FM radios than running news publications, (I don’t really think he’s actually known for anything) swooped in and purchased it. (I was unable to reach Black Press to confirm that they were, seemingly, unaware Newsweek was for sale.)
I know what you’re all wondering; why would The Washington Post Company agree to sell Newsweek for only one dollar? (Granted it is one American dollar.) Well, It turns out this whole Internet thing wasn’t exactly the fad I thought it was going to be. (I figured that once Al Gore realised people didn’t take him seriously when he revealed he invented the Internet he’d just take it away from us.) Couple that with a down-turning economy and you’ve got yourself a company that’s leveraging money faster than the Royal Family. (Don’t even get me started on why I don’t like the Royal Family … I mean really, David Johnston?) In fact Newsweek hasn’t been profitable since 2007, losing more than 30 million dollars last year alone.
With stats like that you’d figure the Post Company would jump on anyone willing to take this dead horse off their hands, but then again you’d probably be a highly regarded economist and understand inarticulately how the business world works. The Post Company, however, had a few stipulations that they required before they’d agree to sell Newsweek. Not only did the prospective buyer have to agree to take on Newsweek’s considerable debt, they also had to promise (I’m guessing by way of a pinky-swear, or some sort of blood oath) that they would keep most of, if not all, of the three hundred plus employees.
So, essentially, whoever purchased Newsweek was agreeing to continue operating at a loss. And this is why the Post Company went with Sydney Harman, because in Harman’s own words he bought Newsweek not because he’s “here to make money” but because he’s “here to make joy”. And if there’s one thing Sydney and I can agree on it’s that Newsweek brings nothing but joy to the world. With headlines such as, “Tactical Engagement: Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston Make an Art of Tabloid War” and “Workplace Shootings: Rare, Horrifying, and Totally Unpredictable”, I don’t know about you, but I know I just feel better.
Now, you’re probably wondering why anyone would buy Newsweek in the hopes of not making money, but instead with the hope of bringing joy to the world? Again, good question. If you were to ask those highly regarded economists, they’d say it’s because he’s crazy. However, if you asked me, I’d chalk it up to eccentric-old-rich-manitis.
Obviously, I’m no doctor (I gave that up when I was eight and got caught playing doctor with Alexandra Jones and was grounded for two weeks), but I’m pretty sure eccentric-old-rich-manitis is a real syndrome, and I believe there is another well known sufferer of said syndrome. That’s right, another eccentric old man who operates at a loss, his only goal being that of bringing joy to the world – Santa Claus.
So there you have it, Sydney Harman is obviously, or apparently wants to be, Santa Claus, and his purchase of Newsweek only confirms this. With that being said I’d just like to put this out there … I’m still waiting on the pony I asked for last year.
It looks like Harps has created a little bit of controversy again, this time with his decisions to make the additional 53-question census form optional. (Don’t worry Harps, I’ve got your back, just prorogue parliament until this whole thing blows over. Remember that whole Hostage Torture controversy? Yea, me either.)
Now, don’t get me wrong, but I’m convinced that Harps is literally the only politician that could create a controversy around making something that everyone hates, like the census, voluntary. Seems that people’s issues, however, isn’t that the 53-question census form still exists, but that by making it voluntary it will lead to less accurate data – because people won’t want to fill it out.
Well, in an attempt to show everyone how fun filling out the census is, I’ve decided to complete a couple sample questions myself.
Full Legal Name: Nathaniel (Scoop) Moher.
Marital Status: Silently pining.
Where was this person born: Back seat of a ‘75 Pinto, the same place he was conceived actually. (It didn’t specify I needed to provide where I was conceived, but I felt like they should know, for the history books.)
Has this person completed secondary school: So close, but really, who uses trigonometry in the real world? (Well, scientists, but that’s really not the point.)
Has this person completed University: Yes, honorary doctorates from Harvard University, Yale University, and an honorary BA from Ithaca State University.
Has this person attended school since 2006: Yes, the school of hard knocks.
Last week how many hours did this person spend working: 140 (As a high functioning human I only sleep 4 hours a night.)
What is this person’s work or occupation: Hard-hitting investigative journalist (soon to be host of the Larry King Show).
In this work, what was this person’s main activity: Uncovering top-secret government plots designed to keep the people down – and using my celebrity to impress girls.
Did this person receive any other monies, besides that from his primary job: Hush money from the Government to keep their top-secret plots secret.
At what address did this person work most: Clandestine spots, dark alleys, and parking garages (soon to be the moon).
Total income from employment: $8500.00
Total income from Government sources: $150,000.00
So there you have it, harmless really. For those who are afraid people won’t fill it out, don’t worry I’ve been on Facebook, people volunteer on a daily basis to fill out far more extensive questionnaires. (The census does not question which you like better “winter or Enrique Iglesias”, which is just a ridiculous question … Enrique Iglesias.)
And for those afraid that the government will misuse your information, you really shouldn’t worry either. I can’t say how, but I know for a fact that the Government already knows more about you then you think they do.
BC publisher, Black Press, which recently purchased 11 community newspapers, will be shutting down four of the purchased papers (obviously realizing they, stupidly, bought 11 of the same thing). Black Press CEO Rick O’Connor admits this will result in the loss of up to 40 jobs. (Wait, it takes 10 people to run a newspaper? But I’ve been singlehandedly floating this one since I started.)
Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be surprised but, when a company called Black Press buys you, you should probably see something like this coming. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that all things black are bad; I’m just trying to say that all things bad are usually called black. The Black Plague; Black Friday; Black Tuesday (I think there’s a black every day of the week); blackened jerk chicken; Conrad Black (Black’s his last name, but if he was in a database it would be Black, Conrad). And don’t even get me started about the Black-Eyed Peas.
With Black Press seemingly interested in buying, and then selling off, fledging local papers, it seems that I may be fighting for my job soon. Therefore, at the suggestion of my agent (please contact Larry Schweinstein at Larry Schweinstein Talent & Delicatessen), I will now state my many qualifications and achievements that make me one of the most distinguished investigative journalists in the country (if not the universe).
As I discussed in my last article, Viva La Revolution, along with being a top-notch writer, I am also an expert in quite a few fields. Some of which are: living on the moon; the similarities between Obama and the Antichrist; the 55th decimal of pi (however none before it and only three after it); beating Super Mario 3 in eight minutes; and making sure newspapers are engaging and informative. However, what sets me apart from every other expert is I’m also a quick learn. Give me one day, access to a library with access to Wikipedia, and three cups of coffee, you’ve got yourself an expert on any topic you need.
Being that I am one of the highest regarded journalists in the field right now (Schweinstein swears I’m in the running to replace Larry King, but that Ryan Seacrest is just so good at investigative reporting), I’ve received quite a few awards. As I’m sure most of you will remember, I was the winner of the inaugural Stevie B. Seal of Approval. (For which I have yet to receive my statue. I’d never drop the ball like that – just saying.) That being, obviously, just the last in a long list of awards that includes my Peabody; a Nobel Prize in Literature; a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award; and second place in a beauty pageant (for which I received $10). Someone who has won this many awards doesn’t stop winning awards, that’s just science (I should know, what with placing first in my eighth grade science fair).
But all those things, they’re just things. Prizes, awards, high paying syndicated talk show hosting jobs; anyone can claim those. What I’ve got that sets me apart from the crowd is a passion for, and only for, quality journalism. Late nights in front of the microfiche, no-holds-barred investigative journalism – and using my press pass to watch free movies. That’s the stuff that keeps me going, and I won’t quit until I die (preferably in an epic shoot-out with an un-named source that was helping me break a story about corruption within Moon Base Living, Inc.).
So, Black Press, go ahead and buy the Flying Shingle, shut it down if you’d like, throw everyone out on their asses; I don’t care. That won’t silence me, because I am literally willing to write for any of your over 100 publications – you know my qualifications.