A Modest Opinion — In the nick of time

7 December 2009 - Filed under A Modest Opinion

Let me tell you, through the following hypothetical situation, just what sort of freedom we’ve recently gained.

Say you happen to be reading this newspaper (remember, it’s a hypothetical situation) and you get bored. A month ago you would have had to try and find a recycling bin to put it in. I don’t know about you, but that just seems unreasonable to me. Well, not anymore, now you can just throw this newspaper on the ground when you get bored. No need to worry about good ol’ Mother Nature.

Now I know what you’re asking, “Natty, how is this possible? Have they finally invented biodegradable newspapers?” Of course not, that’s stupid (biodegradable newspapers, be real). The obvious, and more believable, answer is we’ll be living on the moon come 2020. And all I can say is, about damn time. I have been waiting to live on the moon since I knew that the moon existed (I’ve also wanted to be a werewolf since I knew that the moon existed. But I guess one out of two is fine.)

I can only assume that for you regular people there is going to be some sort of lottery to select who gets to join us extraordinary people up on the moon (it’s clear they’ll still need hard hitting journalists on the moon). So while you guys fight over straws, I’ve been boning up on my moon-living knowledge.

I went out and picked myself up a copy of The First Men On The Moon. Now I’m not one to fall for conspiracy theories (though the Lizard Men are real and will take over the world in 2012, thus my stockpile of mice.) So, I was a little blown away that the government had obviously been covering up all these years what ‘Buzz’ Aldrin, Neil Armstrong, and that Third Guy actually found on the moon. Ho-ly-CRAP. How is it this hadn’t gotten out? How did H.G. Wells know it?

My research for my easy transition from Earthling to Moontian had just turned into an investigative report on government cover-ups. I knew this was too big for The Shingle; I needed to reach a wider audience (hi Mom!). So I took this straight to my connections at The Washington Post (Watergate II … Moongate?).

While I wait to hear back from The Washington Post (it’s hard for fact checkers to check the facts of a Government cover-up) I’ve moved onto the next experts – the Jetsons. And let me tell you, living on the Moon is going to be awesome. The ground walks for you. We finally get those flying cars they keep promising us. And Dogs can, kind of, talk. All this and I only have to wait ten years. Amazing.

Now, I’m no scientist (I’ll leave the real scientificating to Al Gore) but I’m completely confident that it is impossible for us to destroy the earth in ten years. Even if we all drive multiple SUV’s, drink only bottled water gathered from the melting icecaps, and continue to heat our homes using burning tires, a healthy scientific estimate is it would take a minimum of eleven years for Earth to become unlivable. That gives us a nice one-year overlap. And consequently once on the Moon there will be no naturally created atmosphere or ecosystem to destroy, only man made ones to control.

I don’t know about you, but it feels great not to worry. And I just wish I didn’t have to wait ten years to explore the secret underground world of the Selenites.

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Originally run in The Flying Shingle (12/04/2009)

2009-12-07  »  admin