A Modest Opinion – 2010: A Year in Preview

Wednesday 6 January 2010 - Filed under A Modest Opinion

Unless you are colour blind, or don’t know what colours are, (if that’s the case Webster’s English Dictionary describes colours as: the quality of an object or substance with respect to light reflected by the object, usually determined visually by measurement of hue, saturation, and brightness of the reflected light; saturation or chroma; hue.) you will quickly realize that my article is being presented in a rainbow of colours (It will be settling into its normal burgundy in my next run).

This is because big things are taking place over here at the Shingle, and obviously I won’t take full credit, because sometimes in life a very popular, clever, funny writer starts writing a monthly (now bi-weekly) article for a small island newspaper, and just out of happen-stance advertisers are drawn towards said newspaper and the two things aren’t connected. It’s simply one of those strange coincidences people can’t explain (like how my ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, and then, coincidentally, a week later was dating some new guy).

But enough about hypothetical situations, it’s now time for my first annual Year in Preview: Predictions Column. Just to get it out there in the open, no I did not receive any sort of psychic abilities for Christmas (even though that and a time machine were the only things I asked for. Though I admit the entire first season of Alf is a surprising, if not delightful, close third), however I did buy a copy of Nostradamus’ The Prophecies, Illustrated Edition. Breaking my own rule of not reading books published before 1994 (and more specifically books about real things), I was able to use my supreme skills as an investigative journalist to interpret Nostradamus’ predictions.

In the realm of World Politics, Obama, after convincing everyone that sending another 30,000 troops to Afghanistan is part of some sort of larger exit strategy, will realize that he can get away with anything based solely on the fact that he is not President Bush. Subsequently he will declare that two plus two now equals five, and that the government will be separated into four factions the Ministries of Peace, Plenty, Truth, and Love. Also his, un-released, New York Times best selling Presidential Memoir (title “Why I won The Nobel Peace Prize: and other musings on my two terms as President”) will be awarded the Noble Prize in Literature.

Canadian politics will continue to bore most everyone.

Hollywood, having run out of original ideas years ago, will finally have remade every movie with production beginning on a remake of the 12-minute, 1903 film The Great Train Robbery (Spike Jonze will direct, it will be three hours and have two intermissions).

With the ever growing evidence that Global Warming is not real (thus why I’m freezing all the time), there will be a worldwide investigation into the practices of all scientific fields everywhere. Consequently, it will be revealed that Science is, in fact, just a bunch of guys sitting around in a room saying, “Hmmm, I mean that could be the way it happens. You know what, sure, why not?” Which had me worried about the moon base, until I realized building a base on the moon has more to do with Architecture and not Science.

The Lizard Men will still not reveal themselves for another two years.

And in a final, more personal, prediction my ex-girlfriend, realizing what a foolish mistake she made dumping me, will come crawling back (reeking of desperation). She will, however, be too late as Natalie Portman and I will have started dating. She will be devastated, but will find solace in the fact that Natalie and I are truly in love (Natalie please call me ***-***-**** [Editors Note: Number removed for obvious reasons]).

There you have it folks, every important thing that will happen in 2010. If you ask me, you won’t need to read a single newspaper for the whole year (I read the book cover to cover, there is nothing else happening in 2010. Seriously. I promise).

Oh, and the Olympics.

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Originally run in The Flying Shingle (01/04/2010)

2010-01-06  »  admin