Rejected Writing – Dear Everyone on the Internets

Thursday 15 July 2010 - Filed under Rejected Writing

Dear Everyone on the Internets,

I’m sorry (I’m not actually sorry), but I don’t care about your lives.  I just honestly don’t care what your boyfriend just did to you, or the fact that you don’t have a boyfriend (which is even less interesting than what your boyfriend just did to you).  I don’t care that you are studying to become some sort of nurse (you all are, I don’t get it, but you all are).  And I don’t care how in love with Allan Rickman you are (or, for that matter, Harry Potter or that dude from Twilight).  I really just don’t care.

Listen — and I’m not trying to be mean or anything — it’s just that my girlfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately, and really about the stupidest stuff.  See, we’ve been dating for six months now. The lease on her place is about up and she thinks we should move in together.  Now some of you may agree with her; I, however, think that six months is a little too quick to be moving in with your girlfriend.  Don’t get me wrong — of course I love her, but, really, am I right or am I right? (I’m right.) So, you see, this has been a point of contention between the two of us for the last little while now, and having real life problems just makes it really hard for me to care about your Internet problems.

Beyond that, I’m probably more interesting and exciting than you are.  Look, I’m not trying to sound conceited or anything, but I really am just more interesting and exciting than you.  It’s a fact.  Truly, I am the sort of person who, if I posted my life on the Internet (which, as you already know, I’m against doing). people would want to read about it, if only because of all the really interesting and exciting things I do.  For instance, the other day a couple friends and I went out for some drinks.  Now, whereas most people’s nights probably would have ended there, just drinks and then going home, our night took an amazing and interesting turn.  When we went back out to my car, it had been towed.  What were we going to do? — I need my car and now it’s not there.  Well we spent the next fifteen minutes searching until we found a sign that had the number of the impound lot.  All four of us hopped into a cab and went over to the impound lot.  Once there, I had to pay forty-five dollars to get my car out of impound; on top of the thirty-dollar taxi ride, that’s seventy-five dollars total.  And to add insult to injury, all the change was gone from my ashtray.  These sorts of things happen to me all the time.  So please forgive me if I’m just a little too busy living my life to care about what canceled TV show you’re going to marathon this weekend.

And furthermore, that picture’s not yours.  I get it, you really like that picture and maybe it communicates a point you want to make, but it’s not your picture.  Express yourself, not someone else.   As Oscar Wilde said, “A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament.”  And of course we can’t forget the words of William Morris: “Art is man’s expression of his joy in labor.”  Sure, sometimes it seems easier to get your point across by using someone else’s work, but take the time and make it your own and you’ll truly be expressing how you feel – not how someone else feels.

So, as you can see, Everyone on the Internets, I’m just too busy living an exciting and interesting life to really care about what you have to whine about. And if you’re interested in finding out more about my real life, you can head over to nathanielmoher.com where I post frequent updates, as well as follow me on twitter at twitter.com/godmoher.

Now if you’ll excuse me my girlfriend is yelling at me again. FML.

2010-07-15  »  admin