Rejected Writing (sort of) – Wipe Out Canada Application
Monday 19 July 2010 - Filed under Rejected Writing
I recently applied to appear as a contestant on Wipe Out Canada — I was, to their fault, not accepted… below are some of my answers on their application form.
–
What is the next big mile stone in your life?
The obvious answer to this question is appearing on Wipeout Canada. Appearing on Wipeout Canada will obviously catapult me into my long dreamed of career of having my own reality TV series and getting free t-shirts.
How are you competitive in your every day life?
I like to make everything in life a game. Like, say, when I wake up and I make my eggs. If one day it takes me 7 minutes to cook my eggs, the next day I try to do it in 6.5 minutes. Or, say, if my roommate and his girlfriend do it for 2 hours straight — well, I’m gonna do it with some chick for 3 hours. It’s just the person I am, that is, better than everyone.
What would your friends say are your best qualities?
I’d say that my friends think my best quality is the fact that I’m a winner, and when you hangout with a winner you too become a winner. It’s just science right there. I encourage these guys to become winners. As this testimonial proves “I used to eat garbage and take the Smack in my veins until Nathaniel Moher dropped something in my begging hat. It wasn’t change, it wasn’t food, it was the winning spirit.” – James Cochrane
What would your friends say are your worst qualities?
I think my friends would say my worst quality is that when we go out, all the ladies want to know me. I could be the worlds greatest wing-man, but I just don’t know it, because even when I’m just trying to get my buddies laid the ladies just want me… even when I haven’t shaved for a week.
What is your unique and personal motivation for wanting to compete on the show?
I was recently dumped by the love of my life because, she said, “Natty, you have no motivation in life — all you do is sit on the couch…” So when I heard about Wipeout Canada I thought, “what better way to prove to my stupid ex-girlfriend that she made the worst decision of her life — because I’m a winner, want proof? Oh, right, I just won WIPEOUT CANADA.” That and, as stated before, catapulting myself to my own Reality TV show.
If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?
Let’s get serious about this right now. I’m sure that the majority of the answers you’re going to get are “flight” or “invisibility,” which is, honestly, stupid. Let’s think about guys like Professor X and Jean Grey, who have telekinetic powers. Which telekinetic powers strong enough, you can pretty much do anything. Want to fly, done, you use your telekinetic powers to lift yourself off the ground. Want to be invisible, done, you enter everyone’s mind and make them incapable of seeing you. Want to stop a giant thing from falling out you? Done, stop it with you mind.
Who is your greatest hero?
Titan, or Mike O’Hearn, who if you don’t know is only the greatest American Gladiator of all time. This is his Bio –
“With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win… one way or another.”
How can you not idolize someone like that… you just can’t not.
Why should Canadians cheer for you?
Because I have godlike strength and skill, I am the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with my impressive physique, I am equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. I am a double threat who will find a way to win… one way or another.
What would be the worst, most embarrassing and humiliating thing that could happen to you on Wipeout Canada? Visualize it – now tell us the story.
So there I am, wearing my Russian dancing bear wearing a tutu costume, and I’m effortlessly running across the course, It’s almost seems like I am gliding across the course actually. Then what happens? You guessed it, a light falls from the sky hitting me in the head. But that’s not the worst part, no, a spark catches my Russian dancing bear wearing a tutu costume on fire. So now I’m on fire, effortlessly gliding across the course. Not getting punched in the face, not falling in the mud, still on fire. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking all this sounds pretty awesome, which it is, but then I make it to the end, and I place second… how could I place second? I am a winner. If I placed second I don’t think I could ever leave Argentina, because I would be so embarrassed.
What qualities will the winner of Wipeout Canada possess?
Endurance. Sweet Jumping Skills. Perhaps the ability to fly. An amazing beard. Perhaps a Russian Dancing Bear wearing a tutu costume. The desire to have his own reality TV show. The name Nathaniel Moher.
2010-07-19 » admin