A Modest Opinion – You Can’t Silence Me, Black Press!

Wednesday 21 July 2010 - Filed under A Modest Opinion

BC publisher, Black Press, which recently purchased 11 community newspapers, will be shutting down four of the purchased papers (obviously realizing they, stupidly, bought 11 of the same thing). Black Press CEO Rick O’Connor admits this will result in the loss of up to 40 jobs. (Wait, it takes 10 people to run a newspaper? But I’ve been singlehandedly floating this one since I started.)

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be surprised but, when a company called Black Press buys you, you should probably see something like this coming. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that all things black are bad; I’m just trying to say that all things bad are usually called black. The Black Plague; Black Friday; Black Tuesday (I think there’s a black every day of the week); blackened jerk chicken; Conrad Black (Black’s his last name, but if he was in a database it would be Black, Conrad). And don’t even get me started about the Black-Eyed Peas.

With Black Press seemingly interested in buying, and then selling off, fledging local papers, it seems that I may be fighting for my job soon. Therefore, at the suggestion of my agent (please contact Larry Schweinstein at Larry Schweinstein Talent & Delicatessen), I will now state my many qualifications and achievements that make me one of the most distinguished investigative journalists in the country (if not the universe).

As I discussed in my last article, Viva La Revolution, along with being a top-notch writer, I am also an expert in quite a few fields. Some of which are: living on the moon; the similarities between Obama and the Antichrist; the 55th decimal of pi (however none before it and only three after it); beating Super Mario 3 in eight minutes; and making sure newspapers are engaging and informative. However, what sets me apart from every other expert is I’m also a quick learn. Give me one day, access to a library with access to Wikipedia, and three cups of coffee, you’ve got yourself an expert on any topic you need.

Being that I am one of the highest regarded journalists in the field right now (Schweinstein swears I’m in the running to replace Larry King, but that Ryan Seacrest is just so good at investigative reporting), I’ve received quite a few awards. As I’m sure most of you will remember, I was the winner of the inaugural Stevie B. Seal of Approval. (For which I have yet to receive my statue. I’d never drop the ball like that – just saying.) That being, obviously, just the last in a long list of awards that includes my Peabody; a Nobel Prize in Literature; a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award; and second place in a beauty pageant (for which I received $10). Someone who has won this many awards doesn’t stop winning awards, that’s just science (I should know, what with placing first in my eighth grade science fair).

But all those things, they’re just things. Prizes, awards, high paying syndicated talk show hosting jobs; anyone can claim those. What I’ve got that sets me apart from the crowd is a passion for, and only for, quality journalism. Late nights in front of the microfiche, no-holds-barred investigative journalism – and using my press pass to watch free movies. That’s the stuff that keeps me going, and I won’t quit until I die (preferably in an epic shoot-out with an un-named source that was helping me break a story about corruption within Moon Base Living, Inc.).

So, Black Press, go ahead and buy the Flying Shingle, shut it down if you’d like, throw everyone out on their asses; I don’t care. That won’t silence me, because I am literally willing to write for any of your over 100 publications – you know my qualifications.

–
Originally run in The Flying Shingle (07/19/2010)

2010-07-21  »  admin