Rejected Writing (sort of) – Wipe Out Canada Application

Monday 19 July 2010 - Filed under Rejected Writing

I recently applied to appear as a contestant on Wipe Out Canada — I was, to their fault, not accepted… below are some of my answers on their application form.

–

What is the next big mile stone in your life?
The obvious answer to this question is appearing on Wipeout Canada. Appearing on Wipeout Canada will obviously catapult me into my long dreamed of career of having my own reality TV series and getting free t-shirts.

How are you competitive in your every day life?
I like to make everything in life a game. Like, say, when I wake up and I make my eggs. If one day it takes me 7 minutes to cook my eggs, the next day I try to do it in 6.5 minutes. Or, say, if my roommate and his girlfriend do it for 2 hours straight — well, I’m gonna do it with some chick for 3 hours. It’s just the person I am, that is, better than everyone.

What would your friends say are your best qualities?
I’d say that my friends think my best quality is the fact that I’m a winner, and when you hangout with a winner you too become a winner. It’s just science right there. I encourage these guys to become winners. As this testimonial proves “I used to eat garbage and take the Smack in my veins until Nathaniel Moher dropped something in my begging hat. It wasn’t change, it wasn’t food, it was the winning spirit.” – James Cochrane

What would your friends say are your worst qualities?
I think my friends would say my worst quality is that when we go out, all the ladies want to know me. I could be the worlds greatest wing-man, but I just don’t know it, because even when I’m just trying to get my buddies laid the ladies just want me… even when I haven’t shaved for a week.

What is your unique and personal motivation for wanting to compete on the show?
I was recently dumped by the love of my life because, she said, “Natty, you have no motivation in life — all you do is sit on the couch…” So when I heard about Wipeout Canada I thought, “what better way to prove to my stupid ex-girlfriend that she made the worst decision of her life — because I’m a winner, want proof? Oh, right, I just won WIPEOUT CANADA.” That and, as stated before, catapulting myself to my own Reality TV show.

If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?
Let’s get serious about this right now. I’m sure that the majority of the answers you’re going to get are “flight” or “invisibility,” which is, honestly, stupid. Let’s think about guys like Professor X and Jean Grey, who have telekinetic powers. Which telekinetic powers strong enough, you can pretty much do anything. Want to fly, done, you use your telekinetic powers to lift yourself off the ground. Want to be invisible, done, you enter everyone’s mind and make them incapable of seeing you. Want to stop a giant thing from falling out you? Done, stop it with you mind.

Who is your greatest hero?
Titan, or Mike O’Hearn, who if you don’t know is only the greatest American Gladiator of all time. This is his Bio –

How can you not idolize someone like that… you just can’t not.

Why should Canadians cheer for you?
Because I have godlike strength and skill, I am the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with my impressive physique, I am equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. I am a double threat who will find a way to win… one way or another.

What would be the worst, most embarrassing and humiliating thing that could happen to you on Wipeout Canada? Visualize it – now tell us the story.
So there I am, wearing my Russian dancing bear wearing a tutu costume, and I’m effortlessly running across the course, It’s almost seems like I am gliding across the course actually. Then what happens? You guessed it, a light falls from the sky hitting me in the head. But that’s not the worst part, no, a spark catches my Russian dancing bear wearing a tutu costume on fire. So now I’m on fire, effortlessly gliding across the course. Not getting punched in the face, not falling in the mud, still on fire. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking all this sounds pretty awesome, which it is, but then I make it to the end, and I place second… how could I place second? I am a winner. If I placed second I don’t think I could ever leave Argentina, because I would be so embarrassed.

What qualities will the winner of Wipeout Canada possess?
Endurance. Sweet Jumping Skills. Perhaps the ability to fly. An amazing beard. Perhaps a Russian Dancing Bear wearing a tutu costume. The desire to have his own reality TV show. The name Nathaniel Moher.

 ::  Share or discuss  ::  2010-07-19  ::  admin

Rejected Writing – Dear Everyone on the Internets

Thursday 15 July 2010 - Filed under Rejected Writing

Dear Everyone on the Internets,

I’m sorry (I’m not actually sorry), but I don’t care about your lives.  I just honestly don’t care what your boyfriend just did to you, or the fact that you don’t have a boyfriend (which is even less interesting than what your boyfriend just did to you).  I don’t care that you are studying to become some sort of nurse (you all are, I don’t get it, but you all are).  And I don’t care how in love with Allan Rickman you are (or, for that matter, Harry Potter or that dude from Twilight).  I really just don’t care.

Listen — and I’m not trying to be mean or anything — it’s just that my girlfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately, and really about the stupidest stuff.  See, we’ve been dating for six months now. The lease on her place is about up and she thinks we should move in together.  Now some of you may agree with her; I, however, think that six months is a little too quick to be moving in with your girlfriend.  Don’t get me wrong — of course I love her, but, really, am I right or am I right? (I’m right.) So, you see, this has been a point of contention between the two of us for the last little while now, and having real life problems just makes it really hard for me to care about your Internet problems.

Beyond that, I’m probably more interesting and exciting than you are.  Look, I’m not trying to sound conceited or anything, but I really am just more interesting and exciting than you.  It’s a fact.  Truly, I am the sort of person who, if I posted my life on the Internet (which, as you already know, I’m against doing). people would want to read about it, if only because of all the really interesting and exciting things I do.  For instance, the other day a couple friends and I went out for some drinks.  Now, whereas most people’s nights probably would have ended there, just drinks and then going home, our night took an amazing and interesting turn.  When we went back out to my car, it had been towed.  What were we going to do? — I need my car and now it’s not there.  Well we spent the next fifteen minutes searching until we found a sign that had the number of the impound lot.  All four of us hopped into a cab and went over to the impound lot.  Once there, I had to pay forty-five dollars to get my car out of impound; on top of the thirty-dollar taxi ride, that’s seventy-five dollars total.  And to add insult to injury, all the change was gone from my ashtray.  These sorts of things happen to me all the time.  So please forgive me if I’m just a little too busy living my life to care about what canceled TV show you’re going to marathon this weekend.

And furthermore, that picture’s not yours.  I get it, you really like that picture and maybe it communicates a point you want to make, but it’s not your picture.  Express yourself, not someone else.   As Oscar Wilde said, “A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament.”  And of course we can’t forget the words of William Morris: “Art is man’s expression of his joy in labor.”  Sure, sometimes it seems easier to get your point across by using someone else’s work, but take the time and make it your own and you’ll truly be expressing how you feel – not how someone else feels.

So, as you can see, Everyone on the Internets, I’m just too busy living an exciting and interesting life to really care about what you have to whine about. And if you’re interested in finding out more about my real life, you can head over to nathanielmoher.com where I post frequent updates, as well as follow me on twitter at twitter.com/godmoher.

Now if you’ll excuse me my girlfriend is yelling at me again. FML.

 ::  Share or discuss  ::  2010-07-15  ::  admin

A Modest Opinion – Viva La Revolution

Wednesday 7 July 2010 - Filed under A Modest Opinion

As I’m sure most of you have come to realize there are quite a few things that I am an expert on. These include, but are not limited to: superheroes; global warming; living on the Moon; the HST; and how to say, “where’s the washroom” in almost every language. (Seriously, who really knows how to speak ancient Mayan besides Mel Gibson?) However, one thing you may not know I’m an expert in is revolution (I’ve seen Les Mis at least three times). So, with the recent wave of protest taking place in Toronto because of the G20, I feel it is my responsibility to shed a little light on what makes a successful revolution.

Now, most people will, wrongly, assume that the first step in organizing a revolution is to decide what exactly it is you’d like to revolutionize. But let’s be honest, most of the cool stuff to protest against was protested against ages ago (I blame it all on the ‘60s). Nope, the first step in any good revolution is deciding what sort of mask you’re going to wear.

There are a lot of different mask choices to wade through, you’ve got your bandanas worn cowboy style, the classic balaclava, you could go with just a superhero eye cover, or even that mask from V for Vendetta (though the V for Vendetta mask is usually worn by people protesting Scientology, so you have to be careful when choosing that one). I know what you’re thinking … most of the cool old school revolutionaries didn’t wear a mask, but that’s just because they actually had causes to stand behind and weren’t just looking for an excuse to kick in the window of a Starbucks.

Step two to a successful revolution is figuring out just the right mix for your Molotov cocktail. This is quite important because you want to make sure that it’s strong enough to start a cop car on fire, but not so strong that it will actually blow up the cop car. Because if there’s one thing that is going to get your point across it’s the image of a cop car burning. Nothing changes the world faster than just starting a bunch of cop cars on fire. Absolutely nothing. Furthermore you need to make sure there’s enough accelerant that the cop cars quickly burst into flames, but enough fuel that it keeps burning long enough for the news crews to show up. Trust me, there’s nothing quite as embarrassing as standing next to a burnt out cop car in a superhero mask.

Look I’m not a strong advocate of violence when it comes to revolution, but as Martin Luther King Jr. proved, peaceful protest just doesn’t work. (It inevitably leads to you getting assassinated.) And as Bloody Sunday proved, the cops are just going to beat you up anyway, so you might as well go in fighting. So you’re going to want to train in some sort of hand-to-hand combat. You may also want to practice being beat up by a police baton, ‘cause cops love to carry those things.

The last step to a revolution is to make sure you don’t get caught. Whereas most ignorant people would believe that the strongest way to get your point across is to become a martyr for your cause, actually it is literally impossible to organize a revolution from behind bars (plus, you’ll probably have to return to your data processing job on Monday – revolution doesn’t pay the bills like it use to).

So there you have it, I guarantee that if you follow these steps you will have the most successful revolution in recorded history. Kids will even start wearing shirts with your face on them, regardless of whether they know what you were fighting for or not.

–

Originally run in The Flying Shingle (05/07/2010)

 ::  Share or discuss  ::  2010-07-07  ::  admin

Daily Monotony – When did I become a character

Friday 25 June 2010 - Filed under Daily Monotony

So, I’ve started this series over at wallfarmers.ca called ‘Philistine: One mans attempt to win back his ex-girlfriend … and learn art,’  it’s essentially what it sounds like, I attempt to become a world famous artist in hopes of winning my ex-girlfriend back.

The other day I was spit balling ideas about where the series should go, how it should end, some ideas for articles and other such things — things that any great writer should do when planning a series.  And then it hit me, wouldn’t it be great if I actually interviewed my ex-girlfriend for the article.  Actually sat down with her for the first time since she dumped me.  How hilarious would that be?  Very.

See, in the column the Natty character has decided that his ex broke up with him because of his lack of interest in, or basic understanding of, art — what with his ex having been an art history major.  So how great would it be for Natty to sit down with his ex, believing he knows exactly why she broke up with him, only to find out that he is completely wrong and it has more to do with the fact that he just wasn’t that good of a boyfriend.  To me that’s comedy.  That’s fucking funny.

But then I realized, I am Natty.  As much as the Natty in the article is this character created as a version of me, it’s still me and I’d still have to sit down with my ex and have her tell me all my faults (some of which I probably don’t even know, or want to know).  Sure, in a fictional story, this scene would be hilarious.  Hopelessly naive Natty being sent to the firing squad, pure comedy.  But in real life, what a terrible thing to do to myself.  I’m not Rob Gordon, and my life’s not High Fidelity.

So it got me to thinking, when did I become a characterization of myself.  I’ve gotten in so deep into this comedy of pathetic Natty that it’s gotten to the point that my own emotional reaction to something, or even the emotional response of my ex, don’t really matter as long as it’s going to be funny to someone.  And I think that’s unhealthy.  Like, I’m not 100% sure that it’s unhealthy… I haven’t asked my therapist yet… but I’m pretty sure I should considered my emotions before I consider if it’ll make other people laugh.

But then I bring it back to my philosophy about comedy, which I stole from Conan O’Brien, “Alright Funnyman, be funny.”  Which I’ve always felt is the most accurate, and depressing, way of describing comedy.  Because at the end of the day all it comes down to is make them laugh, no matter what the cost.  So if that cost is my own emotional well being, I guess so be it.

I’ll just have to make enough money off it one day to pay for an excellent therapist.

 ::  Share or discuss  ::  2010-06-25  ::  admin

A Modest Opinion – Gordon Campbell is a smart, dumb, dumb, man

Tuesday 22 June 2010 - Filed under A Modest Opinion

It seems that since announcing my disapproval of the HST (along with realising that 34 bottles of Jim Beam in a week allows me to leave inspired messages on my ex-girlfriend’s machine) it has resulted in a province wide out-cry, with everyone demanding that the Liberal’s put an immediate stop to the planned sales tax. Things have heated up so quickly, and gotten so bad, that even BC Energy Minister Blair Lekstrom has resigned from the cabinet and quit the Liberal caucus. (I always knew I had a fan base within the Liberal Caucus.)

Gordon Campbell, being the politician that he is, has come out with some positive spin on the whole thing saying, “I am the first to admit that we have not done a very good job at [selling the HST] and there could be all sorts of reasons why, but it’s not relevant. What’s relevant is we have not done a particularly good job…”. Oh Gordo, you and your propaganda! Do you really think we’re stupid enough to believe … wait, did he just own up to something? Crap.

Alright, fine, perhaps Gordo is ready to admit that they could have done a better job convincing us that the HST was a good idea, but as we all know the Liberals have been secretly planning this for years and could have used all that time to better educate people about the benefits of the HST. (Which, of course was a three per cent decrease in the price of alcohol – but now what Gordo?) So, what does Gordo have to say about that, “For those people who think we had this planned all along, I mean, can you really imagine a worse way of communicating the benefits of HST than we’ve managed to provide you over the past ten months …”?

Listen, Gordo (can I call you Gordo? Good, ‘cause I’ve already done it four times now), if you keep owning up to everything, you’re going to put me out of a job. Admittedly, I don’t really like all the investigating that’s involved in being an investigative journalist, but without the investigating then I’m just a journalist, and at that point I might as well just be a blogger (and bloggers are like the dentists of the journalist world – failures).

However, with all that said, I respect you Gordo. Not only are you a man, a politician no less, who is willing to own up to his mistakes, but you’re also willing to stand by them no matter what. That shows character, but it also shows a man who has a pronounced understanding of what a democracy is. Democracy is the government of the people, not the government by the people, and that means sometimes doing what is very unpopular, but people just don’t know they want yet. Which, I’m assuming, is the HST. Once everyone is made aware of the benefits, such as, creating 113,000 new jobs in BC (all of which I assume will be at a call centre where people call in and complain about the HST), they’ll all be in love with the HST (which will, subsequently, eliminate all those jobs).

So, Gordo, keep doing what you’re doing, because it is so refreshing to see a politician that doesn’t care about being elected again (but, let’s be honest, you will be because Canadians don’t really like taking action), and eventually people will come around to the HST – or just forget about it (like that whole DUI thing you had).

—
Originally run in The Flying Shingle (06/21/2010)

 ::  Share or discuss  ::  2010-06-22  ::  admin